I have lost three babies. Two miscarriages and I stillbirth. I know that not everyone will agree with me but the miscarriages did not affect me the same way the stillbirth did. One reason is the bond that I formed with Brooklyn. But that post is for another day (although I've written about it before I'm not ready to do it again, yet). The first tine I had a miscarriage was in July 15, 2011. It was my first pregnancy but I didn't even know I was pregnant. We were planning our wedding that was in September. I was stressed of course. I was working full-time. I was also a full-time student but we were on summer break at the time. I remember thinking my period was a couple days late but then it came. I have always had a heavy flow so I didn't think anything was strange about the amount of blood I was seeing. I was used to having bad cramps too. I have had cramps so bad that I have even thrown up. As long as I took Midol I would be ok. I couldn't take anything but Midol, though.
I couldn't sleep because my cramps were so bad. I took Midol but they were not working. I tossed and turned all night. I got up to go to work the next day and I was still cramping really bad. I called my job and told them that I would be in late because I was moving really slow from the pain. I put in a tampon before I got in the car for the thirty minute trip to work. When I pulled up to work I felt a gush of blood come up. I was wearing dark jeans so I didn't see anything. Once I got into the building I went straight to the bathroom. I was wearing light panties and blood was everywhere. I was panicking at this point. How could I have bled through the tampon in thirty minutes?!?! I informed my supervisor (through tears). She said something about me being stressed for the wedding but I just needed to get out of there. When I got to the parking lot I called my husband (through more tears) and told him we needed to go to the hospital. Once we got to the emergency room I had to wait forever to see a doctor. The bleeding had stopped. Once I saw the doctor she asked if I could be pregnant. That was the first time I thought of pregnancy had even crossed my mind. The nurse came in to draw blood, and this is where my fear of needles started. She kept sticking me. She couldn't find a vein in my arm so she had to find one in my hand. First of all, a needle going into my hand hurts worse than any other place. When she stuck the needle in blood squirted everywhere and I almost fainted. I had to lay down. They had to fan me and give me water. Once that ordeal was over the doctor came back in and told me that I was pregnant but I was it look liked I was losing the baby. She wanted to have an ultrasound done but since it was so early in the pregnancy I had to drink an aquarium full of water. Once I drank the water I had the ultrasound done and was told I was losing the baby. They told me to come back in a couple of days so they could check my
hCG Levels. When I came back they told me to come back in two more days. This last for a week when I was told I had passed everything and did not need a
d and c.
Fast forward two months at my weeding. I'm dancing in my beautiful white wedding dress when I feel a gush of liquid rush out of me. I go to bathroom and I am bleeding. I am bleeding a lot. A couple of my bridesmaid came to check on me and helped me out with a tampon. By this time the bleeding had stopped but I was freaking out. I didn't have sex on my wedding night. Since the bleeding stopped I decided to keep our plans to go out of town for a few nights and go to the emergency room once we came back. I go to the emergency room and they tell me that I need a d and c. They only do them on certain days so I had to wait again . When I get there I realize that everyone else was there for abortions. I am pro-choice but I did not want to be in a group with women that were choosing to end pregnancy. I just wanted to let the doctors know that I was different or something. But I realized that it didn't matter. Some of the women had had abortions before so they told everyone else what to expect. I swear I was in the twilight zone. I tried to block out the chatter but some of the women really had fascinating stories. There was a girl there who was basically being forced to have an abortion. She was an honor student and athlete and her parents made her come that day. She cried most of the time she was there. I was sad for her. They called us in like three at at time. I was one of the last women to go in. I had to lay on the table in stirrups with vagina out to world for what seemed like five hours. It seemed like forever before the doctor came in. Once she came in she declared that I was "only a mis". I guess that meant that I was a miscarriage so only need a d and c. She informed me that I would feel a scraping but it wouldn't be that bad. I felt a scrape that seem to go the width of my body followed by cramping. This happened about five more times and they were done. I was put in the recovery room for a few minutes and then released. Through all of this I only remember crying once and that was at the end. I was just happy that all of this was over.
